tv At Midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central February 3, 2015 12:01am-12:34am PST
>> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on my mom's twitter feed last night marked the hith bowl of supers or as the romanned called it x-lix. 79000 tweets per minute i'm in the mistaken most came from my mom who set up the account@nerdist mom after a triumphant profanity lace add person's on this very show. now admittedly i didn't watch the super bowl but i didn't need to since i was following@nerdistmom which was a delight from start to finish. before i break this down for you i feel like i need a little something to help you
pay attention. so dash release the half time sharks. (applause) >> yes, good job guys. good job. these guys put the aws in jaws. half half. >> wait, the ones on the superkboul were blue. why can't we get blue [bleep] sharks on the show. why are you gray? keep dancing! nowed first tweet from my mom came in the pregame show. so here we go. just to be shallow some great eye candy on nbc. dan patrick and john harbaugh that's what i'm talking about. come on mom, mom these guys are old enough to be my dad that makes sense, never mind that's fine. aside from my mother's declaration of her man crushes the first quarter was pretty uneventful. though she puzzlingly tweeted balls to the wall. i don't-- i think she's talking about football. i don't know. i wasn't there with her.
(applause) what are you doing shark robot for? (laughter) the patriots came storming back. and my mother succinctly sums up with this classy tweet holy [bleep] blooep brady to go. okay, great, she's clarely got her head in the game. moving on she says wow just heard al michael mention kenney stabler. he was my heartthrob when i was in high school. >> oh man, now i have to picture this old man nailing my mom. come on. shark dance some more. do some katy perry dancing. yes, yes, do it. and a final declaration of her prowess, okay i believe i called the outcome close but braddy would pull it out. hey, brady my mom is an older lady. you can leave it in what? come on, guys mom, why would i say that, no please. as long as i don't think about the things coming out of my mouth, i'm okay.
there you have it my mother ends up send 40ing tweets with an average of 1.3 [bleep] per tweet. and-- and she wrapped it up beautifully and summed it up like only my mom can. thank you all for the best bull i ever had. are you the best and i adore each and every one of you. oh i know. my mom's so sweet. and clarely has not had to deal with trolls yet. so comedians your-- what would you tweet your mother send during super bowl xlix go. >> pete carroll really screwed up just like i skraued up by not telling my son he's adopted. cc@nickkroll. (applause) >> seth morris go. >> katy perry performances with was pretty cool am you could barely see her dick. oops. >> jon daley go. >> beside russell wilson lenny kravitz is the blackest guy i would [bleep]. >> it's time to
start@sharknight go. sharks go! captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to @midnight. hey guys. i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have three cast members from kroll show tuesday on comedy central. put the kroll in kroll show nick kroll. (applause) selt more-- seth morris. (applause) >> and producer and other costar jon daly. (applause) ripped from the internethead lines it's rapid refresh. ed once venerable "60 minutes" correspondent who lacks like harvey keitel's foot butt is-- in hot water over racey sets that he sent to his mistress. he recently admitted
knocking the wing tips of a young manhattan lawyer young being relative he is 69 years old, oh 69. even though he is old he knows his way around a blackberry whatever that is. some of the hard hitting newsman's texts include very hard playing golf with a bulge in my pants. >> no it's not. comedians what are some other sext you might get from an old rich white guy nick kroll. >> i'm annie rooney [bleep]. >> there is a little more more-- hashtag rip hashtag rip [bleep] (applause) >> did you ever notice how your [bleep] ruined by me? jon daly. >> hi, it's me. john travolta. please meet me in a sex
plane and i will suck your [bleep]. >> all right points. that's the end of rapid refresh. it's time for the hashtag wars. a lot of the commercials feature last night during the big game which-- 115 million people watched decided to go sentimental in tone choosing to tug or punch at your heart strings like the coca-cola make it happy. the budweiser lost puppy ad. there was one advertiser who chose for some reason a disturbingly different approach in their ad nationwide insurance chose to appeal to the widely sought after demographic of dead children 18 to 49 months. >> i never learned to fly. or travel the world with my best friends. and i won't ever get married. i couldn't grow up because i died from an accident.
>> what what, what? what? what-- thanks for the buzzkill. they need to take the jingle and drop it into a minor key for the campaign nationwide is on your side. >> great you stole my minor key jingle joke. >> so sorry. nationwide my daughter died. points tore jon daly. >> you really did have a minor key. >> so in honor of the commercial everyone is talking about tonight's hashtag is becauseidied. so examples might be i'll never contract the measles at a theme park. because i died. or i'll never have to watch my mom tweet about how hot dan patrick is because i died. i will put 60 seconds on the clock. go. jon daly. >> i'll never get to see what these vine star does
with their considerable talent. >> points. >> nick. >> the future of humanity is safe. (laughter) >> points. >> jon. >> i'll never get to use the hashtag no robo to prove that i'm not attracted to a hot male robot. >> points. >> i'll never get to have sex with a coachella bathroom and join the piles high club. >> seriously, i was planning a series of storms that would attack most major cities leading to total anarchy and chaos among all humanity. >> good points. >> jon daly. >> i'll never get to see generallee depp toms whimsically playful turn at mordechai. >> i will never be able to tell my family i never really loved them. >> points. >> seth. >> i will never be able to buy clean urine from a kid so i can pass my ups
driver's test. >> points. >> points. >> that's the end of the #are wars send your hashtag bauz d-- because i died and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. >> our tweet of the day with the last was sent to us by@luciapizanno, well done. at cricket wireless, we think you shouldn't have to worry about adding up all the taxes and fees to your monthly bill. that's why our plans start at just $35 bucks after $5 auto pay credit all in. taxes and fees included. cricket. something to smile about. every truck can tow a boat. every truck can climb a hill. every truck can haul a trailer. but not everyone can say they're the fastest-growing truck brand... in america.
>>hey mike! mike mike mike mike mike! >>mike mike mike mike mike. hey! he knows! hey! guess what day it is! hey! camel! guess what day it is! >>it's not even wednesday. let it go, phil. if you're a camel, you put up with this all the time. it's what you do. (sigh) if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. ok... spray this. drive that. wear this. shave that.
be a man. lift big. chug this. stare sexy. swing hard. smile cool. be a man. be a man. be a man. if you need to be told how to be a man, taco bell's triple steak stack isn't for you. steak. steak. and more steak. with cheese. on flatbread. only at taco bell. >> well company back to @midnight. i will be doing stand-up company dee february 27th at the these never chicago we added a second show and then also march 13th the pageant in st. louis a ton of other city g to fun comfortable tour.com for tickets and info. right now it is time for for-to-play dunce like nobody's watching. it's already frebruary and
the internet has yet to release a dance. i'm tired of harlem shake or gangnam style. we will show you an internet dance and for 250 points you have to name the crazy dance. all right. now on the main stage please welcome this mover-and-shaker and shaker. seth morris. >> two varicose for comfort. >> points. >> yeah. >> jon. >> the nancy graceful. >> points. >> next up,. >> five, six, seven one, two, three four. watch yournote jump two three four. kangaroo. >> yes jon.
>> the digiridont. >> yes points. [bleep] yeah. >> nick kroll. >> in australia, we dance the opposite way. (laughter) >> and finally this traveling worker. (laughter) >> yes jon. >> someone call aaa, i think i need a camel toe. (laughter) >> points. >> that's the end of dunce like nobody's watchingment time for our next game local newsmaker. local newsmaker. >> as we all know local newsrooms are often-- the
stories they are covering. there is no one worth than the guy asleep at the wheel. i will show you local newsmakers and for 250 points i want to you show me what bizarre titles the news team gave them. first up this avid read certificate russell kleinback president merrill owner's coalition or bride kidnapping expert. >> seth. >> it's got to be ferret. >> let's find out. >> of course he's a bride kidnapping expert. look at him! >> all right. looks like you ferreted out 9 wrong answer. >> yeah. [bleep]. >> [bleep] you. >> next one this bearded man what happened to joe winiecki, was he fired over chest hair or was he supposed to change his shirt? >> that's brody stevens. >> yeah. (applause) brody come here come here. >> brody,. >> where am i. >> this is clearly you.
>> we went to the same barber shop in chatsworth. got it. by the way i would like to point out that brody tried to interview his doppelganger. >> that is what a good newsman does. >> do you work out. >> brody he's not going to know. >> i take a lot of supplements. >> he's not going to respond. it is just a still image that is clearly you. so thank you brody. now-- (applause) >> broddee does warm up for us it's in the like he is just there all the time for no reason, with a microphone. okay jon daly. >> well let's just say that joe winiecki was a little finici about his shirt. >> okay. a gorgeous slide into victory. the current is of force forced to change his shirt. >> [bleep] yeah baby. i can just point out, i can
point out that clearly he didn't have an issue with chest hair because it has literally grown-up to the top of his neck. >> yeah, yeah he's got two shirts on one is made of hair. >> that's the end of newsmaker. time for our live challenge. pas-hole. (applause) i think katy perry did a nice job on the halftime show last night. a bizarre halftime show looked like it was conceived by a room full of high school drama teachers on shrooms but it was cool, floating on the stadium in a shooting star and the internet used it as an excuse to remember its childhood and respond with tons of memes like this. >> in case are you not familiar, here is an example that is so the allly 90s. >> i just have one thing to say to all those tough pieces you made me study so hard. thanks a million. >> that musical thing will
haunt your brain for decades. so comedians, please write a challenge of the more you know psa for your favorite issue. we'll get your answers after we'll be right back with more @midnight. [car revving] [car revving] ♪ ♪ [car revving] introducing the first ever 306 horsepower lexus rc coupe. once driven, there's no going back.
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♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? oh, here check this out. ♪ ♪ [ meows ] temptations. cats can't resist. >> welcome book @midnight it before the break i showed you catty perry the more you know inspired halftime show and asked to you write your own tsa. let's see wah came up about. nick kroll. >> hey someone tells you heroin is awesome and they are probably buying their heroin from me. >> hi i'm nick kroll. and i selled that on the dark list, the more you know
son. >> seth morris. >> hey kids i know it seems like a lot of fun but remember it is stays in your system for up to two years. >> whoa. >> wow. all right. within jon daly. >> hi there. i'm jon daly from law and order trial by jury which lasted one season. i know a lot of your friends are basing out there. see their cool blue lights shining in the night and you think to yourself why don't i try that. but let me be the first to tell you do it, it's great. it gets you high as [bleep]. >> all right. i'll give jon daly 1,000. 500 each to nick and seth as
we jump to our next game gnobgobblers. >> today's groundhog day and since punxsutawney phil saw his shadow we're looking at six more weeks of winter. you live in l.a., you don't give a [bleep] about that. what is your problem? all right comedians, we can only check in with this beaver once a area but i'm sure he has premonitions year-round. what are some other phil pro tickses. 60 seconds on the clock and begin. nick. >> he said they're doing a groundhog day reboot with a female lead. which i think actually could work out great it's a great premise and. >> great, points. >> jon. >> jony dep will have six more weeks of mordechai. >> you really after johnny depp on that one. >> i predict the february 2nd @midnight audience will be the greatest audience in the world.
(cheers and applause) how dare you. all right i'm not made of you points. >> nick. that is what he is saying, he said i will predict that nick-- my ass. >> that will never happen -- >> [bleep]. >> please control your groundhog. please control your groundhog. please. >> oh yeah. >> oh yeah. naughty. >> you are a naughty little guy. >> okay, well you know this is exactly why we'll never air before midnight. because of groundhog 669ing. >> in my defense, my guy was jacking off in the corner. >> that brings us to the end of nobodygobbler its.
i see seth morris are you in last place. somehow the groundhog didn't predict this. >> this actually worked out for a plug i wanted to give. i am going to ride an old timey bicycle with a giant big wheel all over loss feliz. >> fantastic. let's cover you in red light so you can get all warmed up. (applause) >> it is time to give the williamsburg address. it's for the win. >> turned us on to israeli artist who was taking art to a new-- and looking level with history. my shimoni. >> now the project reimagines dozens of world leaders at hip sters. here is the artist take on abraham lincoln. who looks very much like seth morris. >> this is what lincoln would like like if he made his log cabin out of reclaimed wood.
crispy m&m's® are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's® are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) so good, they're back. it's the most exciting thing to happen to taxes since the boston tea party. now you can file your taxes on turbo tax for absolutely nothing. intuit turbo tax. it's amazing what you're capable of. can a truck change how people feel about a guy? we talked to real people, not actors. we showed them two pictures of the same guy in the same location. the only difference... the vehicle behind him. the guy with the truck would definitely have like a german shepherd dog... i mean come on. a tarantula. a rattle snake. what kind of pet would this guy have?
welcome to the easy life. ♪ trident unwrapped. super useful. helps fight cavities. it's the family plan families are flocking to. now at t-mobile, get 4 lines for a $100. with unlimited talk, text, and up to 10gb of 4g lte data. switch to t-mobile. @ get 4 lines for a $100 today. @ @@@@@@@@@ >> welcome back to @midnight. that's adorable. it's time for for the win. wipe wipe wipe. wipe wipe, wipe. i am going to read your answer as loud. you guys will decide the winner i showed you the hip ster rendition of our beloved 16th president and asked to you give a line from one of his speeches, this is seth more nis a tin beard. let's see what you wrote. first one, my fellow americans, i just can't even with this troll john booth wouldn't it be hilarious if
he shot me what if haters going to hate. hashtag assassination live tweet. >> all right. >> or or, my fellow americans i'm djing tonight at ford theater. freedom for all players bottle for all bitches. >> number two is the winner, who is number two. jon daly has won the internet. >> see you tomorrow night our guest license jessy joyce. sarah tiana and roy wood, jr.. until then tweet @midnight with your hashtag becauseidied to become tomorrow's tweet of the day. and if you don't its a he because you died. i'm@nerdist. good night.
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